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Let’s shake up the norm: In the contemporary landscape, the greeting “Hello” has taken on a rather mundane and commonplace status—no offense meant to the esteemed inventor of the telephone (or the flavor vanilla). Although it remains the most universally recognized and formal way to answer a phone call, there are those who defy convention, opting instead for their own charmingly amusing ways to greet a call.
Would you like to spice up your phone answering life and leave people in stitches while at it? Here are some funny ways to answer the phone, as shared in an online forum.
1. Incontinence Hotline, Please Hold
One creative online forum contributor shared this hilarious way they answer the phone. Well, that’s one way to make people pee on themselves.
2. Refrigerator Speaking
Did you know why the fridge takes over if a voice machine goes on leave? Because it can take and stick notes on its door.
One online user made a voice note to say just that. The catch, though, is you have to speak slowly. I hope enough people realize the joke before sending out their message.
3. City Morgue Prank
Another way to get people to recheck their dialed number in confusion is to answer like they called the city mortuary.
One user says, “City morgue. You stab ’em, we slab ’em.” Funny and morbid, both at the same time. You can’t beat that.”
4. Barbecue and Crematorium
One creative online commenter shared a gruesomely funny way to answer the phone.
“Billy Bob’s barbecue and crematorium, you kill ’em, we grill ’em!”
This is undoubtedly going to elicit some laughter once the panic fades.
5. It’s Your Dime
An online user who lived in the payphone era shares a new way to answer modern phones.
He says, “It’s your dime. Start talking.”
The oldies will understand.
An Eastern European or pirate greeting, this is a great alternative to “Hello.” It also makes the conversation easygoing from the start.
7. A Dose of Gibberish
One way to make a caller think they called the looney bin is to start talking in no specific direction. An online user advises people to pick up calls and “Just start yelling something unintelligible.”
Make up the weirdest combinations of facts and listen to your callers pause as they rethink their choices in life, especially the choice to call you.
8. Who’s This?
Whether you’ve saved them in your phonebook or not, how about answering the phone and pretending not to know who’s calling.
One online forum contributor says his roommate used to do that. They shared a phone, and sometimes, it was his Mom calling.
I bet there was a very angry mother on the other end of that call.
9. Undercover Assassin Mode
A user says to act all Raymond Reddington on the caller.
He advises saying, “The job is done. Make sure you toss the burner phone and that you remember your alibi. I’ll be going dark until this blows over.”
And then hang up.
10. Jello, Pudding
A user says their dad says, “My dad says, “Jello, pudding speaking.” when answering the phone.
That’s one way to make a caller feel hungry.
Corrupting the “hello” to Yellow” is a fun way to get your callers wondering if their hearing is still Ok, or if they’re hearing things.
12. Go Multi-Lingual
If you learn greetings in a few foreign languages, you can sometimes surprise (or annoy) your callers with one of them.
An online forum user says, “I answer every internal call at work with hello but in a different language. Some of my favourite are Chinese, Japanese, Turkish and Spanish.”
It’ll help to know more than “Hello” in that language if you meet an excited native speaker.
13. You’re on Air
How about answering the call like you’re a radio host?
A user says to answer, “”Caller, go ahead, you’re on the air.”
You’re sure to get a chuckle.
14. This is Hell
One online conversation contributor says, “One of my friends has one and says, “thanks for calling Hell, Satan Speaking.”
You need to have a wicked sense of humor to pull this one off.
15. Can You Be Helped?
Some callers can’t be helped; it’s good to establish that before going too long into the conversation.
For friends and acquaintances, this is pretty funny. Strangers will be a little confused for a few seconds.
16. What Took You So Long?
Thank you for calling the Psychic Hotline. I’ve been expecting your call.
Congratulations! You’re caller number 1,000,000. You’ve won absolutely nothing.
18. Joke Time
Hello, this is [Your Name] speaking. I’ll be your personal comedian for the next few minutes. What’s your favorite joke?
19. Pirate Convo
Ahoy there! You’ve reached Captain [Your Name]’s Pirate Ship. Are you looking for treasure or just some quality conversation?
20. Answer with an Accent
Instead of dealing with customer service and telemarketer services that barely speak English, turn the tables and talk to them in your best foreign accent. See if they can catch a word of what you’re saying.
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