Child Birth is Where Things Get Real: 16 of the Funniest Things Said By Parents While Vulnerable and Exhausted
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The delivery room is a space laden with expectations, but a comedy venue isn’t typically one of them. Surprisingly, due to the unfiltered reactions of pregnant women in labor, the labor room can serve as the backdrop for some of the most distinctive and amusing statements you’ll ever encounter.
An online user asked doctors and nurses, “What are some strange/funny things people have screamed while giving birth?”
1. Not The Tongs, Please!
Babies don’t always want to come out without force and must be pulled out with forceps. A mother who had never seen forceps thought they were kitchen tongs.
A user shared their mother’s experience with the contentious instrument. She shouted, “Those are salad tongs! You are not putting any godda*n kitchenware in there!”
2. Don’t Help The Cripple
A mother with a history of short labor couldn’t let herself deliver at a gas station. Her husband stopped for gas, and a man in a wheelchair asked for his help.
She shouted, “DON’T HELP THE CRIPPLE.”
The family still has a good time not letting her forget that one.
3. Red Hair? Oh No!
It’d be pretentious to assume that parents don’t care what their children come out looking like. One black woman married to an Irish redhead didn’t want to imagine they’d get a black baby with red hair.
Her first question when the baby crowned was, “The hair isn’t red, is it?!”
A black baby with red hair sounds very cute, doesn’t it?
4. Wingman In Labor
One woman didn’t let labor pains stop her from trying to set up her baby daddy with the delivery doctor. They weren’t together anymore.
She said mid-labor, “You should really….(screams in pain)….go out with…(Screams again) him sometime. He’s really fun.”
Wingmen are always on duty.
5. I’m Not Pregnant
Imagine being pregnant, all the way to labor, and not knowing you were pregnant? One woman called the paramedics because of abdominal pain, only to be told she was in labor.
When the baby was crowning, she said, “That must be a f***** tumor!”
She delivered the most gorgeous “tumor.”
6. You Don’t Get it, Mom
A mom in her daughter’s delivery room was given the weirdest news of her life; she wouldn’t understand what was happening.
The daughter said, “You have no idea what this is like.”
Umm … Mom knows, that’s why she’s “Mom.”
7. Change of Mind
You can decide to do many things while in labor; deciding not to labor anymore isn’t one of them. One woman was done with the whole get-a-baby business.
An online user narrates, “Patient fully dilated, started pushing, then changed her mind. “I don’t wanna do this, I’m going the f*** home.” And then tried to get off the table.”
The best time to make that decision was 40 weeks ago.
8. No Face
Face down is the most common and normal way for babies to be born. One dad didn’t know this and was mortified when his baby came out, and all he saw was all head.
He shouted, “OH MY GOD, SHE DOESN’T HAVE A FACE!”
Don’t miss the birth classes next time, Mike.
9. BBQ Ribs Please
Pregnancy can give you cravings; sometimes, these cravings don’t get the memo that it’s labor time. One mama, high on meds while in labor, says she just wanted BBQ ribs.
With the nurses beside her, she begged the baby’s dad, “”C’mon, honey! The nurses will never know!”
Tough times to be the “honey.”
10. Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock-knock jokes know no bounds, and one woman took them with her to the labor ward.
Her best one was, “KNOCK-KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?! THE BABY! NOT YET!”
11. A Raptor Baby
The journey from the womb has many twists and turns; sometimes, a baby’s head emerges a little battered. Not to worry, though; they fill up into their shapes eventually.
A father narrates on an online forum how his wife was horrified at the shape of her baby’s head.
She yelled, “Why the f*** does he look like a raptor?”
Birds have rights to, you know?
12. Awkward Paternity Revelation
If a man believes he’s the father, and he’s not, the best place to reveal this information is not in the delivery room. One woman didn’t have the emotional intelligence to know this.
An online forum user says, “I’m a nurse, and one of the strangest things I’ve seen happen while someone is giving birth is one patient decided to tell her boyfriend that it wasn’t his baby… That made the whole room silent, and the boyfriend just left without saying a thing.”
13. This Girl Is on Fire
Laboring women threaten to do many diabolical things to people, but one was very particular about her revenge.
She says, “After a long contraction, I said quietly “I’m gonna set everyone in this room on fire.” Everyone laughed, including the nurse, but I think my devoutly Christian mother-in-law started to cry.”
Aren’t we grateful all these things are forgotten once the baby is out?
14. Friendship Bracelet
Episiotomy is one of the things some vaginal births give you, and there’s quite some stitching afterward.
One woman thought the stitching was taking too long and asked the nurse, “”What the hell? Are you guys weaving a friendship bracelet down there?!”
It lightened the tense room for a minute.
15. Lost And Found Baby
Meds briefly mess up with your mind during labor, and one woman’s reaction was straight out of a comedy club.
She narrates, “I had a c-section and was pretty out of it. When they held up my daughter and said “here’s your baby!” I responded, “That’s not mine, I’ve never seen it before in my life. Take it to lost and found.”
She wasn’t all wrong; she had never seen it before.
16. The Irony
A EMT shares an ironic and probably common revelation (if anyone admits it.) “Did a birth on the side of the road. Woman shouted “f*** me!” during a contraction and the husband casually replied “that’s how we got into this mess, da**it!” It took all his effort not to laugh.
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