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The spectrum of divorce experiences is remarkably diverse. In some instances, divorces unfold with dramatic turmoil, leaving a trail of emotional casualties. Others conclude quietly and discreetly, akin to the silent presence of carbon monoxide poisoning. And then there are those that transform into frenzied battles, where former partners engage in relentless efforts to tarnish each other’s reputation and secure as much as they can.
An online conversation starter asked lawyers, “What is the most insane (evil, funny, dumb) way a spouse has tried to scr*w the other?”
1. A Fight For An Ashtray
Property is one of the biggest points of contention in a divorce; everyone wants something from the marriage. One couple’s fight, however, was over an ashtray.
A lawyer gave a story from the courts. They say, “Even after everything else had been decided, they [the couple] spent many more months and nearly $100,000 fighting over just this ashtray.”
It must have been a highly treasured artifact to the husband, and the wife won custody of the ashtray, only to smash it to smithereens on the courtroom stairs to spite the husband. Ouch!
2. A ‘Knoble’ Divorce
Sometimes, the only way to fight back in a divorce is to make life miserable for the partner we’re leaving. One ex-wife’s idea of misery was to remove all the door knobs from the house.
Someone shares, “When he [the ex-husband] returned home, every knob and handle was gone. She had taken door knobs, cabinet handles, drawer handles, anything that was scr*wed onto something and used to open it. Every day for the next week, he would occasionally yell out, “SHE TOOK THE F*****G KNOBS.” Creative props to her.
3. A Licking Problem
In a bizarre courtroom saga, a woman revealed that she had been breaking into her ex’s apartment and licking all his cutlery.
Someone says, “That’s just the right level of crazy. She scares me a little, but I applaud her style.”
This is only a problem if she has a terrible, communicable disease.
4. The Fish Killer
It’s hard to understand why people punish pets when they want to hurt their spouse.
A lawyer shares, “A soon-to-be ex-husband left his wife’s prized Koi to die on the doorstep of their house. Apparently, the value of these fish (six in total) was over $100,000.”
5. The Final Rabbit
The power play in divorce court is legendary, and one lawyer was unfortunate enough to witness one of the most childish divorce fights in the history of childish divorce fights.
A couple fought for a generic ceramic rabbit for several meetings. How did this end?
“I don’t remember which ended up getting it, but once they settled it and signed everything, the “winning” party stuck it on their lawyer’s desk as a gift and walked out.”
6. He Moved It All
A wife in the process of getting a divorce was allowed to pick her stuff from her abusive, crazy ex-husband’s house. They were surprised: none of her stuff, including her cats, were in the house anymore.
An online commenter adds, “He was finally forced to disclose what happened to her possessions. He had them taken to a storage unit far away from the home.”
We’re just happy he kept the cats alive.
7. A Laxative Conspiracy
An online contributor says their mom asked them to put laxatives in their dad’s food to keep him from attending the court proceedings. They didn’t agree to that plan.
They say, “No. She kept screaming at me, commanding me to, but I refused. It’s one of the reasons that she hates me now, lol.”
The Mom lied her way through the divorce anyway.
8. A Frozen House
A wife, on her way to becoming an ex, decided to ruin the house they had lived in as a home.
“She waited until he was on a business trip, came into the house, turned on all of the faucets, plugged the drains, turned off the furnace, and left. It was -10 degrees. He came back five days later. The house was ruined. The water froze and cracked the foundation.”
Someone says, “She’s a wet bandit!”
9. A Mathematical Almost-truth
An account with a dollar in it is not empty. A client removed money from their joint account, almost $45,000. Almost.
A user shares, “[A] Paralegal for a divorce lawyer here. Our client told us he didn’t clear out the marital account after the parties filed. Which technically is true, because while he removed $45,000 he left about $3.50 in there.”
10. Black Roses Wedding Gift
What do you send your ex on their wedding? A divorced spouse had the perfect idea.
An online forum contributor shares, “His ex-wife sent him and his new fiancé a dozen black roses before their wedding.”
Or maybe don’t send anything?
11. A Sticky Affair
Pettiness is the wind beneath many divorces, it seems. One online conversation contributor describes their experience while working for a prosecutor.
A husband gorilla glued his ex-wife’s things to other things when he went to pick up his stuff.
They narrate, “He glued the TV remote to the table, the phone to its cradle, the couch pillows to the couch, and even glued the vacuum cleaner to the carpet.”
Much later, she found more things glued: the oven mitts were glued to the wall and sheets together in the linen closet!”
It’s hilariously evil. Most are, except the ones that euthanized animals as a punishment.
12. A Hairy Affair
It’s not uncommon for a drug text to be court-ordered during a suit. A new lawyer writes, “The first case I ever worked the husband shaved/waxed every single hair off his body in an attempt to avoid a court-mandated drug test.” Then, he failed the urine text anyways. Oops.
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