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Intimacy serves as the vital underpinning of any relationship. Yet, when children enter the picture, finding quality alone time with your partner can become a complex endeavor. It’s essential to constantly remind ourselves that the connection we share with our partner existed before the arrival of our children and should remain a significant priority.
How do you make time for each other when some little hands, feet and stuffed noses constantly need you?
1. Talk to Each Other, A Lot
Effective communication is half the journey towards a fulfilling intimate life. Make time to communicate your affection needs and feelings to your partner.
Your partner may be your soulmate, but they can’t read your mind. Talking takes assumptions out of the way and helps you understand each other. If the kids are old enough, talk to them too about your need to be alone together without divulging too much.
2. Partner Before Chores
Running a home can feel like kayaking in the Kern River, chores hitting you like angry rapids. There’s always something needing to be washed or fixed or picked from soccer practice. It’s very possible to lose your partner under the stack of unfolded laundry.
Make a deliberate choice to put your partner’s needs before the infinite household chores. Leave the unarranged closets and go for the dinner they’ve been asking for.
3. Have a Private Moment Together
Privacy can sound like an alien word when you have company even during bathroom breaks. And this is why you have to be deliberate about getting out of the house for a little mommy and daddy time.
I know you think no one can watch your babies better than you, but you need help once in a while. Get a babysitter or drop the kids off with grandma, and have an interrupted lunch or dinner. Avoid talking about the kids on your special time together, it’s grown-up time.
4. Get Noiseless Furniture
By furniture, I mean the bed.
Few things will kill the mood like having your bed squeak while your kids are (pretending to be) sleeping a few meters away from you.
Your bedroom is your sanctuary; protect its sanctity by screwing your bed a little tighter and moving it away from the wall.
5. Fix the Locks on Your Door
Getting busted by your kids in the middle of manufacturing their sibling is mortifying, and it’ll probably keep you celibate for several months as you find your face again.
Kids don’t knock, and only the very few occasions when they do, they don’t wait to be let in. If your door’s locks are working, ensure they’re always locked if things are likely to get steamy.
If they aren’t working, get them working, or your intimacy will never work.
6. Minimise Sounds
As kids grow older, they start understanding what some sounds mean, and they get embarrassed by it. As a parent, the fear of damaging your kids with “unwelcome” soundtracks from your room is a valid fear.
Have a white noise machine to muffle sounds or play a white noise from your room to keep noises out of kids’ ears. If you can, soundproof your bedroom.
It’s probably time to consider that your loudly moaning days are over, especially when the kids are in the house. Keep things on the quiet side. The point is to have a good time with your spouse, not traumatize the kids to therapy.
7. Make Physical Touch the Norm
When you have babies regularly needing little hugs and help cleaning booboos, touching each other in non-sexual ways can be forgotten. Each of you must still feel they’re seen and still loved, and a quick hug, touch, peck, or even spank goes a long way.
Having time for your partner has to be a product of working in unison. Let each person know what the other is uncomfortable with and work towards creating an environment that sets both of you at ease.
Plan together for what you want to do so you’re on the same page about your plans and desires. If you’re working in disharmony, it will be like reading from two different books altogether.
9. Be Deliberate
You have to be deliberate about your resolve to cultivate physical intimacy. There are enough things to overthrow the planned special moments that seem important. Making time for your partner will not happen by chance overnight like a mushroom. Gone are the days of spontaneity (for the most part).
It has to be planned and executed. Schedule the things you plan to do and do them; no backlogs.
10. Creativity is the Name of the Game
Chances are very high that what you’re used to will not fly. Being open to new things will help a great deal. If the master bedroom isn’t ideal for a little “family business,” check the nearest empty safe room.
Any lockable room is ideal for a quick “get together” before the kid passed out in your room wakes up.
11. Appreciate Little Achievements
It’s probably not going to be the honeymoon all over again. Breakfast in bed and an hour in the bathtub with the afternoon open for you is coming once the lastborn goes to college. However, appreciate the little getaways you make for yourself and your partner, even the special time in the laundry room before the kids get wiser.
Left to chance, intimacy will be considered less urgent or even important. Make time.
12. Take Turns Planning Dates
Alternate planning surprise activities or outings, ensuring each person gets a chance to surprise the other. This’ll keep it fun and exciting.
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